Just As Much
by mangyhalfbreed
Summary: Sirius Black reflects on the morning when he found Remus Lupin clinging to life after a particularly bad full moon. (Rated 'M' for language.)


The morning during sixth year where James, Peter and I found our best mate clinging to life on the floor of the Shrieking Shack is one I haven't forgotten.

Mainly because the terror in the pit of my gut was so strong that it'd be impossible to ever forget. You see... My friends and I liked to cause a bit of trouble back in our school days.

Oh, nothing serious. We were good lads! Honestly! Just a few harmless pranks now and again. When four boys with a penchant for mischief form a bond... Well, whatever chaos follows is inevitable.

James and I were the ringleaders. For pranks, anyway. Peter was like our little lapdog - trailing after us constantly, doing every single thing we'd ask of him. In a way I was impressed... Yet in the back of my mind a tiny part of me was always disgusted with his eagerness to please. I should've known back then that he was not to be trusted.

Remus, however, was different. From the very beginning. (I always did think he was the smartest one out of all of us.) If he had a problem with anything we did, he never hesitated to tell us. Never hesitated to say_, 'no thanks. But you three go ahead. Oh, and say hello to Marlene for me when you're landed in detention.'_

I found it odd that the werewolf was by far the most well-behaved out of us. No, Remus' lycanthropy was never an issue. Not for our friendship, at least. Nothing could've gotten in the way of that. I'm certain of it.

When I first met Remus Lupin at the Gryffindor table I was confused. How did this scrawny little nerd win himself a place with the _lions_, the brave?

But over the years I learned that Moony was far braver than any of my friends or myself. I have seen him crawl when he was in too much pain to walk, refusing to ask for help. And I have seen him change into a blood-thirsty, ravenous wolf and continue to live each day afterwords knowing full well that the next month it will happen all over again. He refused to ever let it beat him.

He was the bravest boy I knew. The bravest man I know today.

* * *

"_Oh my god..._" James whispered breathlessly, his eyes wide and his face pale. Peter was on the verge of fainting.

And I was frozen.

Remus was red from head to toe.

Blood.

Covered in-...

_BLOOD, _the voice inside my head screamed. _His own_... _His own fucking bl-_

"What do... Is he...?" Peter groaned.

As he spoke I was broken out of my trance-like state. I sprinted to Remus and immediately dropped to his side, my heart racing. "Remus," I said urgently, voice sharp. He didn't move. I reached for his neck and felt for a pulse - my sanity hanginging on by one thread. What if... Christ, he couldn't be...

_One beat, two beat, three._ Alive.

_"Remus!"_ Now I yelled, giving him a subtle shake. Fresh claw marks lined his chest and forearms. A blackening bruise caught my eye from just under his ribcage. My eyes burned fiercely, guilt seeping into my bones. It'd happened. This was our fault.

Before we were able to help him... Before we became animagi... Remus spent at least three days in the hospital wing every month. Because, although I don't know why, Moony can't stand to be alone. It drives him to the brink of wolf-y insanity. So when we were able to transform, to keep him company, all attacks on himself stopped. We thought we'd found the perfect solution.

Until this, that is. Because James and I couldn't control ourselves and landed spots in detention with Filch after giving Mrs. Norris fleas out of spite. This was Remus' first transformation alone in over a year and a half. I didn't have to be a seer to know it'd turn out. _Our fault._

"_GOD-FUCKING-DAMN IT, LUPIN! _Wake _up!_" I roared at him. And I was on the verge of tears, something unheard of for me. But Remus is not only my friend.

_He's my brother._

James and Peter were next to me now - both of them still in very shocked silence. But James suddenly grasped Peter by the arm and dragged him to his feet. "We can't just carry him through the Castle. Dumbledore." Was the only explanation he gave - looking equally distraught as myself. I nodded in agreement. We needed help now more than ever. The two of them were gone within the next five seconds but I wasn't paying attention to them.

And the silence, the fact that my very_ best _friend was laying in a pool of his own blood and I couldn't do anything, that I hadn't saved him was slowly tearing me apart.

_He can't die, _I thought_. He's lost a lot of blood but there's... There's no way... Help. Remus. James, hurry the fuck up. Hurry _UP! _We need-_

"Padfoot..." a barely audible whisper forced me to look down, startled. Remus' blue eyes were half-lidded and staring back at me.

And by god, I nearly sobbed in relief.

"You're alright, mate..." my voice cracked and I squeezed his wrist in reassurance. "You're fine." His eyes were suddenly fearful, panicked. He tried to reach for me but I wouldn't allow him to move.

"Don't leave," he whispered, voice hoarse and shaky. I've never heard Remus speak in such a way. Right now he looked like no more than a battered, terrified child. I _never_ wanted to see him like that again. "_Don't leave me here... _Sirius..._ Stay..."_

I swallowed and shook my head vigorously, disbelieving of what I was hearing. "Look at me, Remus. _Look._ I'm right here. Do you see me? I'm not going anywhere. I promise. Prongs and Wormtail will be back any second and Madame Pomfrey will have you fixed up in no time, you hear me?" My friend _would_ be alright. I wouldn't have allowed anything else.

That day I realized just how much Remus needs me. Needs all of us. It was startling to me and yet somehow I felt comforted. Because I need him just as much. I hauled him into my arms and held him close. I could feel Remus shaking in pain and my arms merely wrapped around him tighter in response.

"I'm here, Moony."

(I really hope you enjoyed this. I don't write for Sirius often and I hope I did him justice. Also, I want you to know that in this oneshot, there is NO Wolfstar implied. Sirius loves Remus to death... as he would a _brother_. Just throwing that out there. But for you Wolfstar shippers, ship them to your heart's content. I know you will anyway. :P)


End file.
